A real crime

"There’s a con-artist loose in Aiken county," is how WRDW (South Carolina) begins its story. Seems the Wal-Mart on Richland Avenue is the latest victim of this mystery man’s mind-blowing powers of manipulation and obviously well-practiced sleight-of-hand trickery. It's like a scene right outta The Sting:

“According to the incident report from the Aiken Department of Public Safety, a man handed a wad of money over to the cashier asking for big bills back for a small purchase. When the cashier handed the money over to the man, he put some of the money into his pocket and told the clerk that he did not get enough money back. That's when the cashier gave him more money.”

Wowza!

Honestly, creeps like this are ruining it for the rest of us. We prefer to scam our way to a free drink, or grifting a good meal at the expense of a friend. But sullying the classy title of con artist with a "con" so lacking in artistry, something so incredibly ... lame? That's the real crime.

The mix for our mixer

Co-writer Jack Silbert put together the playlist for last night's little launch party. In perfect Jack Silbertness, the songs were painstakenly thematic and numbered 52 (for a deck of cards).

1. Bookshop Casanova / The Clientele
2. Kate Of The Human Race / Jimmy Silva and the Goats
3. April Fools / Rufus Wainwright
4. Runnin' Out Of Fools / Neko Case
5. I'm Just A Lucky So And So / Ella Fitzgerald
6. Even The Losers / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
7. One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer / John Lee Hooker
8. Viva Las Vegas / Elvis Presley
9. Atlantic City / Bruce Springsteen
10. Coney Island Baby / Tom Waits
11. The Last Of The Famous International Playboys / Morrissey
12. Can't Con an Honest John / The Streets
13. Heads You Win - Tails I Lose / The Beach Boys
14. House Of Cards / Radiohead
15. Ace of Spades / Motorhead
16. It's Tricky / Run-D.M.C.
17. Magic Trick / M. Ward
18. Things Are Not What They Appear / Gothic Archies
19. You Got Played, Little Girl / East River Pipe
20. Betcha Nickel / Ella Fitzgerald
21. Luck Be A Lady / Frank Sinatra
22. Tumbling Dice / The Rolling Stones
23. Shooting Dirty Pool / The Replacements
24. Gambler's Blues / B.B. King
25. Casino Queen / Wilco
26. It's Not My Place (In The 9 To 5 World) / Ramones
27. Bang the Drum All Day / Todd Rundgren
28. The Carny / Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
29. Ramblin' Man / Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan
30. Eyes Sharp / Liquid Liquid
31. The Magic Number / De La Soul
32. Three Is A Magic Number / Blind Melon
33. Magic / Bruce Springsteen
34. Waiting For A Train / Jimmie Rodgers
35. Streams of Whiskey / The Pogues
36. The Lucky One / Freedy Johnston
37. The Money Will Roll Right In / Mudhoney
38. Greenbacks / Ray Charles
39. Money For Nothing / Dire Straits
40. Little Games [Single Version] / The Yardbirds
41. Jokerman / Bob Dylan
42. Poor Little Fool / Ricky Nelson
43. no queen (the gambler) / cynthia nelson
44. The Other Side Of The Coin / Solomon Burke
45. The Wanderer / Dion
46. Ramblin' Man / The Allman Brothers Band
47. Traveling Light / Bob Neuwirth
48. There Stands The Glass / Ted Hawkins
49. You Cannot Win If You Do Not Play / Steve Forbert
50. You Win Again / Hank Williams
51. Cheater's World / Amy Allison & the Maudlins
52. Fools Gold / The Stone Roses

Our latest obsession

In 1960, when Yogi Bear left The Huckleberry Hound Show to star in his own, Hanna-Barbera created Hokey Wolf to take his place. Hokey was a sharp-dressed (and not just for a wolf) con-artist with a bowler-wearing sidekick named Ding-a-Ling. Lead by Hokey, the two were always trying to scam their way to a free meal, and among our favorite episodes/schemes are:

"Tricks and Treats," in which Hokey tries getting food from a farmer’s barn by pretending to be caught in a trap; "Pick a Chick," where Hokey and Ding, disguised as chicken inspectors for a contest, go after all the chickens in a henhouse; "Movies are Bitter Than Ever," in which the twosome pretend to shoot a movie with a dog in order to steal some sheep; and "Who's Zoo?," which has Hokey acting as a zoo doctor in an attempt to swipe some steak from a lion that isn't eating

And what happened to Hokey? Well it should be noted, in this political season, that even though Hokey did disappear for many years, a good grifter is hard to keep down, and when this wolf-in-wolf’s clothing reappeared in a 1988 TV-movie, The Good, the Bad, and Huckleberry Hound, he'd somehow scammed his way to being the mayor of a western town named Two-Bit. He didn't stop there, though, working his way up from Two-Bit to being mayor of Jellystone Township in Yo Yogi!, a NBC Saturday morning cartoon that ran in the early 90’s.

As seen in the cafeteria...

Having just posted about Starbucks, it's worth mentioning a little coffee scam we recently witnessed in the caf. This guy took one of those large cups intended for coffee, but filled it instead with frozen yogurt. It was like five times the fro-yo for a quarter of the cost. After he popped a sip-lid on top and paid the 99 cents, he pocketed a plastic spoon and coolly strolled back to his desk. We immediately voted him Employee of the Month.

The Empty Promise

We just saw this Starbucks ad in the New York Times and had to comment. In case you can't read it, it says that since there are "over 87,000 possible combinations" when it comes to ordering their espresso beverages (caf, decaf, multiple shots, flavored syrup, skim, no fat, various sizes, etc), they're going to make a promise to you, the customer: if your drink isn't perfect, "we'll make it right." It ends by saying "This isn't a promotion, this isn't 'for a limited time only,' this isn't 'while supplies last.' This is every coffee, every day, forever."

This is what we call The Empty Promise... that is, what they're really promising is what every place promises. The difference is that the other guys don't take out full-page color ads to say it: If we made a mistake, let us know and we'll fix it. Starbucks isn't claiming that if they goof up you get a free drink or or your money back or that they'll shine your shoes. They're saying they'll fix it. It's a lot like, I guess, if you order a cheeseburger at Burger King and you get a plain ol' burger. Can't we assume they'll correct that mistake when you bother to point it out? Or if you order a chocolate shake and you get a vanilla one by accident? The Empty Promise is a great tool for the modern con man at work (for more on the modern con man at work, make sure to check out this month's Penthouse). You make a pledge to your customer for something that you were going to do anyway — doesn't matter how unspectacular it is. If you ham it up a little, a lot of people will be surprisingly thankful. And that can go a long way.

We didn't think we coud love these guys any more...

...but now we do!

(btw, that's "any more" up there... not "anymore")

No joke

The day has come. The Modern Con Man is finally available. So depending on where you go (here's the Amazon link, for your convenience), you can now learn "how to get something for nothing" ... for somewhere around twelve bucks.